Almeda Moe
Moe said his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. So on Moe’s 18th birthday he went to the family farm in Iowa to follow the tradition and proceeded to walk across a pond in the back pasture. His cousin took him out to the middle of the pond in his boat then Moe got out to walk the rest of the way. Instead of walking he nearly drowned. Moe couldn’t figure out what was wrong. He went to his wise old grandmother and asked her what was the matter with him that he couldn’t follow the family tradition. His grandmother looked into Moe’s troubled eyes and slowly said, “Perhaps... it is because they were all born in January when the pond was frozen but you were born in July.
Little Moe’s class at school had a salesmanship assignment. Monday morning the first child proudly announced, “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30. My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”
“Wonderful” said the teacher.
Jeremiah was next: “I sold magazines” he said. “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.”
“Excellent, Jeremiah” said the teacher.
The teacher was afraid Little Moe would not make a good report but he walked to the front of the classroom and dumped $2,489 on the teacher's desk. “$2,489” cried the teacher, “What were you selling?” “Toothbrushes” said Little Moe. “Toothbrushes!!!” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?” “ I found the busiest corner in town” said Little Moe. “I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said the same thing, ‘This dip tastes like dog poop!’ Then I would smile and say, it is. I should have mixed it with more salt. Do you want to buy a toothbrush?”
Little Moe can’t decide if he wants to be a career politician or a dietician.
Almeda Moe and Fresno Joe applied for a job as manager at the Almeda Country Club. Both men seemed equally qualified so the owner gave them a written test. Moe and Joe each got 19 of the questions right but the owner said he was going to hire Moe. “What,” cried Joe. “This is discrimination. You are hiring him because he is from Almeda.” “Not really said the owner. I’m basing my decision on your answer to question # 3 which you both got wrong.” Joe snapped, “If we both got it wrong how should that make a difference?” “Well,” replied the owner, “Moe answered ‘I don’t know’ and you answered, ‘Neither do I.’”
“What cha been up to Moe,” asked Joe? I just got back from the doctor. “You in an accident or something?” “No,” replied Moe. “I got bit by a mosquito.”
“You went to the doctor because of a mosquito bite? Just what did the doctor do for you?” “He gave me some pain pills.” Pain pills for a mosquito bite?” “No, the pain pills were for my cracked shoulder blade.”
“I thought you said you had a mosquito bite.” “I did. When it bit me I tried to kill the little blood sucker and forgot I had a hammer in my hand.”
“Did you kill the mosquito?”
Moe went to a really nice theater but he had had a few too many drinks A few minutes after the show started, an usher came by and saw Moe sprawled across three entire seats. The usher whispered to Moe, 'Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.' Moe groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient: 'Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.' Moe just groaned. Soon the usher returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried to get Moe to move, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police. Houston’s Finest surveyed the situation briefly then asked, 'All right buddy what's your name?' “Moe.”' Where ya from, Moe?' asked the officer. Without moving a muscle, Moe gasped, “the balcony”.
Moe walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Moe said, "Shingles."
She took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. Moe said, "Shingles."
She took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room. A half-hour later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had. Moe is getting impatient but he calmly said, "Shingles."
She gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. Moe said, "For the fourth time, Shingles." The doctor looked at Moe and said where do you have shingles? Moe said, "Outside in the truck. You ordered them where do you want them?"
Almeda Moe
Moe is working at a bank when a very tired nurse walks in, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at Moe, and without missing a beat, she says:
'Well, that's great . . . that's just great . . . I guess you know where my pen is.
A State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... 22 MPH!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The police officer, explains to her that "22" is the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
Moe and his wife were going to dinner with a new client. Moe put the cat out in the backyard as his wife got in the client’s car. He then checked to make sure the stove was off, and turned out all the lights. When he opened the front door to join the others, the cat slipped back in the front door. Since the cat had a bad habit of trying to eat their canary, Moe goes back in to catch the cat which has run upstairs. His wife didn’t like the looks of the client’s chauffeur and didn’t want him to know the house would be empty so she said, “Moe will be back out soon, he is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”
A few minutes later Moe gets in the car and apologizes for taking so long and explained, ‘she was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me when I threw her fat rear into the back yard!' Scratch one client.
Moe loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'
He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,'Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
Moe said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.' Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'
Moe looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.
The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'
Moe looked at the frog in his pocket and said, 'Nah, I'd just rather have a talking frog.
